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Being single aint easy....maybe it's just me.

An empty conversation

leading to assumed conclusions

steals the air from the room, 

and I graciously

fall back down the ladder

from which I have made no progress.

Maybe there are no ghosts in this room...

..maybe there was no life to begin with.

Maybe it's time to move the ladder...

or maybe just put it away.

It was a pretty surreal thing, receiving the cremated remains of my Father within a Flat Rate Shipping Box from my postal worker this afternoon. Everything He was, just a month ago, now fits within a small black box delivered by registered mail.

One day, I'm going to be in a box like that. I always liked to think that I was going to live forever, I tell my son this all the time.

"I am Immortal." I tell him at every question of my passage through time. He thinks it's funny. He loves to call me Old Man. (Well, he used to, until I started nut tapping him every time he did so. It's all in fun...I don't get him 'good', I really just hold it over his head for awhile)

The death of a parent, even one that may not have been so close, has a way of making you stare your own mortality directly in the face, it has a way of humbling and grounding you. At least it has me. My father and I weren't very close. I really barely knew him outside of my limited experiences with him as a child and then here and there as an adult. He really did his own thing. I know he was proud of me, because he told me so. But I really wish he would have been there and played a larger role in my upbringing. In all honesty, I spent more time with my aunts and uncles and my grandparents than I did him. Now, I'm not writing this to dog him and step on his name, I'm saying this because that's just the way it is and was. It is what it is.

There has been some disagreement with the choice to not pay for an obituary, which costs $200 for a Sunday edition, which is unfortunate. I just didn't see the point. I'm sorry, but I no longer see the relevance of an obituary, and in all honesty, shit man, times are tough..$200 is alot of money these days, and I don't think that an obituary is any way of "honoring" a family member. In a paper that will be tossed away and forgotten? These things should be passed by word of mouth, from family member to family member and from friend to friend in my opinion. Am I wrong in this thinking?

And as far as honoring his name and memory, I got his fucking name tattooed on my forearm....that aint going nowhere...thats there for life. And I honor his memory, in my mind, every time I take a shot from his camera, or every time I listen to his music collection, or stare with admiration at his photography. I honor him by being a better father than he was. I honor him by loving his grandson as best as I can. (It is because of him, That my relationship with my son is so strong.)

I honor him every day that I realize how alike him and I really were.

I just had to get that off my chest, This blog might get personal from time to time...but it's my blog. I apologize for nothing.

Random Photo of the Day

(not really random, however, as i thoroughly went through many images to choose this one...but whatever, here it is)

The past week or so has been kind of a blur, I'm finding it really hard to focus these days after the passing of my Father. There was so much unfinished business, so much more water to get underneath the bridge. We had made up alot of ground in my adult years however, I'm very thankful for that. He would make a habit of calling me on holidays and on my birthdays and I would try hard to call him from time to time as well. This was progress for the two of us. 

We spent many years with alot of shit between the two of us. I held alot of grudges. I wish I would have let them all go. I tried sometimes, but he had a tendency of making those efforts difficult. He was a very stubborn man, very set in his ways. He did what he wanted and made no excuses (remind you of anyone?). I think I did start to get to know him to a certain extent in the past couple years, if even just a little.

The last time I spoke to him was right around my birthday last month. He called to say Happy Birthday and to tell me how proud he was of me and the photographic work I had been doing recently. He was beaming with pride, and for one of the first times he really expressed it in abundance to me. It meant alot. I am so very glad, especially now, that I have that to remember. It means the world to me. In that conversation, he had offered to give me his photographic equipment, which I turned down. I knew how much he enjoyed taking pictures, the same as I. He took alot of beautiful images throughout the years. Many of which I could easily envision myself taking. I couldn'tve possibly taken that from him.

Several weeks later...and I have it anyway. I'm still very hesitant to use it.

All my life I had always tried to downplay the similarities between him and I. I failed to recognize the extent to which those similarities extended. So much of me came from him. I know that now. I will embrace it. I will remember him always and live on in his memory.

I love you Dad. I am just like you. I will miss you.

(the images in this post are all his.)

R.I.P. Arthur Garrett Luttrell II

Rest In Peace

Arthur Garrett Luttrell II

May 14th, 1951- February 8th, 2011

You Will Be Missed.

I Love You.

My uncle Brewster Luttrell has been an artist ever since I have had memory of him existing. This influenced me to no end as a child. I found myself going to his art openings as a teenager and rubbing elbows with some of the most amazing people I have ever met, most of them being quite eccentric artists with varying levels of insanity. They lived the way they wanted and they expressed themselves the way they choose to. Not everyone liked their stuff, but a lot of people did.

I admired them, and most of all, I wanted to be one of them. I was fortunate enough to discover a need to be an artist very early in life. Those guys were cool. They had a lot of fun, and I wanted to be just like them.

I soon raced towards any form of personal expression I could get my hands on.

I'm a morning person. I'm not exactly sure when that happened (I wasn't always orientated to the early morning, as my mother can attest to when waking me up for school as a child) but it happened, and I'm glad it did. I really enjoy getting up before the sun and before the majority of the people around me. I enjoy the quiet silent beauty that is the city before it wakes up and springs to life. There is a certain solitude of peace walking around when you are the only one in sight.

I am now available as a Photographer for Hire.....

Want some family pics? call me. want some sweet 16 pics for your little girl? call me. Are you a model or artist or entertainer looking for some portfolio shots? call me. Are you a super hot chick that has the need to get naked in front of someone?

 Definitely Call Me.

734.288.8175

 ....spread the word. 

thanks

-kcl